I made myself cry…

For the past while I’ve been trying to find my old journals from after I was married, but before kids.  I want to find them because for the life of me, I can’t remember what being married was like with no kids around.   And I even had five years like that so I’m surprised I can’t remember.   Anyhow, all my journals are together in a box, but I didn’t believe in labelling them by year,  so keep picking up the wrong journals, but then once I start reading I can’t put them down.   Like yesterday I found a journal of the years right before I met Jason and they are – how shall I say dramatic to the 100th degree?    I would have been better off using the pen and ink to write about the weather and what I wore and what I ate rather than to commit to paper every excruciating thought that I had about the other sex.    “Do I like him?   Does he like me… he did look at me like that for 1/2 a minute and he told a friend who told another friend who told another friend that he thinks there might be potential for us”   It’s like reading a really bad romance novel and it’s kinda embarrassing too.  So then I think, what do I do with these journals?  Do I destroy them?  Do I wait until I die and have my kids read them and realize how crazy their mother was ?  I honestly don’t know, but let me continue…

What made me shed a few tears was my journal entries from when I found out I was pregnant the first time and my subsequent miscarriage (jumping ahead a few years of course.)    If I probe the memory of that episode now in my mind I have no bad feelings about it – praise the Lord – but obviously at the time I was in quite a bit of pain.   The only blessing to that experience was that it happened on the way home from a trip to Florida and we stopped a hospital in Horse Cave Kentucky and the staff were very kind – and Jason’s grandfather provided some distraction as he was having some dementia and chased Jason’s mother around the hospital.  Oh yes – it was quite the trip.

But what I did find that actually encouraged me (after I dried my tears) was a quote that I had written into my journal from John Piper – it goes like this…

“the suffering of sickness and the suffering of persecution have this in common: they are both intended by Satan for the destruction of our faith, and governed by God for the purification of our faith.”

It really puts a new perspective on the things we go though – and as I read back in my journal, I was encouraged by the faith that I had during that time in God, knowing that He would get me through and provide for me in whatever way that was… and now from where I am today, I know He was VERY faithful and look how He’s blessed me!    I kept using this quote – but I don’t know who it’s from, sorry!

“Faith is not about the absence of trouble, but the presence of grace.”    Fabulous.

So I still can’t remember what life was like before kids, and until I find that journal I probably won’t, but it was neat to take a trip down memory lane and find some encouragement in Christ instead.

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