Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10.
If you’ve read previous posts, you will know that our unborn baby has a critical heart condition, critical aortic stenosis, and that we were able to go to Toronto where they did a procedure on her heart Aug 16th to open her aortic valve which was had been so small her heart couldn’t pump blood through it and we were rejoicing.
But things have taken a turn. We went back to Toronto this past Friday – the 24th so see the cardiologist for a check-up and what he saw after the technician took 79 pictures of my baby’s heart had him disappointed. Her valve is open, but crazily enough, it’s now too wide open. Her poor weak and swollen left ventricle doesn’t have the strength to push the blood out to the rest of her body without the help of the valve and so blood is coming back in – ‘regurgitating’ they call it back into this left ventricle. And this means it hasn’t been able to heal at all. Thankfully they couldn’t see more damage then they saw before, but certainly didn’t see any improvement in it. So we are sad.
But all is not lost! An open aortic valve is still far better than a closed one and if that valve could shrink just a little to help stem the flow of back-ward blood, her left ventricle may still have a chance at healing and as we all agreed, the procedure had just been a week before and we just need to give it more time. More time and lots more prayer.
And this is where faith kicks in. Faith in God when things just don’t seem to be right, in fact in human terms they seem to be going wrong. Sure it’s easy to rejoice and trust in Him when things look promising and we are hopeful things will turn out the way we want them too, but how about when faced with the possibility that things might turn out exact opposite of what we want? What if this baby still will lose the left side of her heart and have to have a palliation of her heart done where they turn the right side of her heart into a duo-purpose pumping machine and I have to spend weeks with her in the hospital, perhaps months away from my other kids and miss Christmas and New Years? Honestly that thought breaks my heart.
However, again, even though I’m sad, I still I have hope. I know God can still heal her, and even if that takes surgery and months of healing, I’m still completely trusting Him. I’m not broken, maybe somewhat bruised, but definitely not abandoned. And the Bible is full of verses to comfort me, starting with being still and just knowing that God is God. I think John Piper once said that the things God does may be confusing, but God himself is Not confusing, I love it because it’s true.
And as Jason pointed out to me, maybe His whole plan here is not to heal her, it may be to do some greater work which we can’t see, which would be amazing as well. God doesn’t give us all the answers, nor does He let us see the whole picture, but He does offer peace and hope and strength.
Here is the passage I’m clinging to right now… Isaiah 40 27-31…Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint. (emphasis mine)
Even as I read that I can smile (even with a few tears in my eyes). I can’t question God, He hasn’t forgotten me, and if I wait on Him, He will renew my strength. In fact if you really want me to cry quote a verse from earlier in the chapter, verse 11…He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.
Wow, that can just make me cry like that! 🙂 He knows I’m extra vulnerable right now (and let’s be honest, more emotional) but praise the Lord, He is gently leading me and what ever happens with our precious baby girl, God will never forsake us. Amen.
I’ll keep you posted.