Perfect peace…

I have no idea where this week went, it’s flown by and been so busy!  But I’ve been meaning to do an update all week since I was back in Toronto on Monday.   But then I was battling a bug and Sophia got the stomach flu and I started to declutter my crawl-space (that horrid room) and I was helping Jay with some stuff, so now it’s Saturday and the update will finally be forth-coming.

So…  like I said I was back in Toronto on Monday, again.  Seeing all the dr’s once again.   It almost seems old hat, except this time  I left Jason behind because the appointments were going to be routine and my dad drove me.  And its kinda funny but I’ve never really entertained the notion of driving to the big city by myself.  I’m too pregnant, too distracted and I drive a big Suburban.  Enough said.    So my dad drove me and I had a great day with my dad, thanks dad!

So yet another echocardiogram for baby (I kept falling asleep during it – these things take so long!)  but even I could see from the screen that the baby’s left ventricle isn’t pumping anymore and it didn’t contain any blood.  The valve that was opened has narrowed again and so they are now calling her heart hypo-plastic.   Poor little baby heart.   So again no miracle,  at this point it’s about moving forward and accepting our new reality.

The hypo-plastic left heart meant we started to seriously talk about surgery options with our cardiologist.   And the most confusing thing is that there are two options for the surgery she will need right away, and if we want to, we can decide which surgery she will get!

Huh, come again?

How on earth would we be able to decide something as important as that?   But that can be addressed later, and in the meantime my dad and I  got a tour of the hospital.  Of course then I’m wishing that Jason had actually come and could see everything with me,  but he will just have to get the tour again next time.

We saw the different rooms the baby would be in during the different stages of her recovery, and what floor the operating room was on.    Natalie – our contact there – wanted to show us a baby recovering from cardiac surgery, and I remember waiting to find out if we could with that shivery anticipation of slight horror – like it would be one of those things you don’t want to see, but can’t look away.   Apparently parent’s find it easier seeing another baby in that condition before they see their own…. kinda ouchy but understandable.   But thankfully that little trauma was delayed as the baby’s were all occupied and I think that was God’s timing because it would be way better to have Jason there with me for emotional support.

So then dad and I went for a little walk over to the high-risk pregnancy clinic at Mt. Sinai hospital for more appointments.    And next on the list was meeting two dr’s from the neo-natal team that will whisk my baby away after she’s born to stabilize her.     She will need to be given progesterone immediately after birth to keep the ducts in her heart open so she won’t go into shock, but they were pretty sure I could give her a quick kiss before they take her and if she is stable I might even get a quick cuddle before they transport her over to Sick Kids, the children’s hospital across the street.   Small mercies right?

While I was talking to them it got emotional – I don’t think anyone wants their baby taken away at birth – and they then subtly asked me if I had been told what her chances were.    I’m no dummy and I understood right away what they meant – and thankfully I was able to tell them coherently that I knew that my daughter could die at birth or before they could stabilize her or really whenever.   And even though that thought breaks my heart it really is our reality.  And their relief was visible…. their job must be so tough in situations like this that I’m sure it’s help to ease the stress of their jobs knowing that a parent understands what they are up against.

And then I met with the Obstetrician (such a long day!) but now I have a due date week!   They are planning on inducing me between December 3rd and 6th, and that is coming very soon.  So that is why I’m trying like crazy to get things sorted and organized and prepared here,  that’s only 9 weeks away!

But the day did finally end and thankfully dad and I were able to sneak out of the city just on the cusp of rush hour and made it home in fairly decent time…. whew.   But then the next day was tough.   I’m finding that these appointments tend to throw me for a loop for a few days.  Having to face what is coming always puts me in a bit of a tail-spin and my thoughts get all tangled and messy and I cry a lot and I don’t understand and I feel like this is the last place on earth I want to be, basically I get kinda depressed.

But then God slowly and surely brings thing back into focus and I can find myself back into the present, where things are still OK and God is good.

Thursday morning this verse came to mind… Isaiah 26:3

You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you

And then I realized that I get so caught up in everything after the appointments that my mind is NOT stayed on Christ, it’s all over the map and worried and fearful, and no wonder there is no peace to be found.

Trusting God, believing His promises, knowing that He will work out everything out for His glory is where peace is… and it’s not the easiest thing to be done in the midst of turmoil, but very necessary for me if I’m going to stay sane through this whole waiting and wondering process.

I can’t wait until my baby gets here…

But in the meantime I’m so thankful that I”ve found my way back to perfect peace, for now.

Amen.

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8 thoughts on “Perfect peace…

  1. What a crazy post, Lisa. From what I saw yesterday at the fair, you would never have been able to guess that you were dealing with this trial. You looked so joyful; so peaceful and content. Thank you for being so faithful to God – faith lived out leaves me speechless. I will continue to lay precious Baby Colley at the foot of the Cross in prayer. Never forget that He loves her so much more than anyone else ever could.
    Love you!!

  2. Hello from a fellow heart mama! I just wanted to share our journey with you and encourage you that you CAN do this with the Lord’s help! It’s a difficult but oh so very rewarding journey!

    Our son Chase will be 3 next month and we could not be more blessed. You can read his story here: http://www.mom2lo.com/p/my-letter-to-new-heart-moms.html. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or just need a supportive ear to listen or if there is anything at all I can do for you!

    ((heart hugs!!))
    mom2lo

    • Oh thanks so much for posting mom2lo! I love your blog and I would love to connect with you – and thanks so much for the encouragement, I love hearing the stories of people who are going through this journey and the kids who are doing well. Expect to hear from me via email!

  3. I found this at the top of one of my posts during my journey with Abby …

    Isaiah 43:2-3a (ESV)

    When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

    Psalm 119:116-117 (NIV)

    Sustain me according to your promises, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered.

    “We do not choose suffering simply because we are told to, but because the one who tells us to describes it as the path to everlasting joy.” – John Piper

    I pray that God will continue to meet you and remind you that you are not alone. Even in those darkest moments.

    ((hugs)) Jody

    • Dear Jason & Lisa – We are novices at computer-Email-Facebook, etc. so we do hope you get this even though it is under Jody & Natalie forwarded it to us. We thank you for the updates & it is like we are bonded to you & can pray more specifically. Deut. 31:6 says “Do not be afraid or terrified because of them” – them could be of the operation, birth, hospital, tests, etc. for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake either of you or your baby girl. Only God knows how His glory could come out of such a situation but already your attitude, reliance on Him, your faith speaks to a needy, suffering world of hope in life & hope in death. Our prayers & love to you all. Trudy & Clare

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