I have to be honest – this morning I woke up feeling pretty down… which is kinda crazy considering things are going so well. Ava keeps losing more wires – this morning they pulled her pacing wires which were there just in case she needed an external pace-maker – and there is even talk of her losing her second drain tube today! We’ve been holding her everytime we see her and she loves her cuddles and she is even doing well off cpap – yesterday she was off for 4 hours!! And through this I can just see the power of prayer and how God has been so faithful in healing her.
So why on earth would I be down? Well I guess because we are getting close to going home – but I’m sad because in my head home just won’t be the same. I’m going home with a sweet baby who will probably turn a bit blue when she cries (her oxygen saturation will go low) and who I’ll have to watch like a hawk for any signs of heart failure… so scary. And then life at home will also be different with Sarah with her pokes and needles and carb counting and scheduled meal and snack times and it makes me just long for the good-old days when things were just normal and easy.
Am I whining? Sure sounds like it. But as I was lying in bed this morning I realized I have two choices here. One is to get depressed over how my life has changed and how hard its going to be, or instead I can choose to remember just how faithful God has been up until now and how He is going to remain faithful in the future. Boy do I feel like a broken record, this choosing to trust is apparently is not a one time decision! I feel so much more pity for the Israelites now and how they kept forgetting they could trust God – I can see now in myself how my emotions tend to over-come my logic and its so easy to forget God’s promises and wallow in unhappy circumstances – even though wallowing just makes me feel crummy.
So today I’ve decided to remember God’s faithfulness once again. The hymn ‘Great is thy faithfulness‘ came to mind this morning as I was walking to the hospital. The whole “Grace for today and bright hope for tomorrow” bit as well as the line “All I have needed thy hand has provided – great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me.” really struck me and comforted me. I could then pray and ask God to forgive me for my lack of trust and just lay our future before Him once again… and just trusting that He will go before and provide. Oh the agains and agains and again! How I wish I didn’t waiver!!!
So I’m back on track – resting in His peace and trusting in His faithfulness. And I do feel much much better just in case you were wondering, so much better than feeling crummy. 🙂 So now I can enjoy this beautiful day and more cuddles with my baby and can be happy in the fact that Sarah has put on over 2 lbs in the last week – and looks amazing and is back to her normal sweet and spunky self. God is good!