We are home, and it feels strange. I think it’s maybe like how a solder feels after being away on the battle-ground, and then finds himself home and the battle is over. We are grieving the loss our sweet daughter and we miss her so much. But on the other hand, there is so much relief that she is finally at peace and isn’t hurting anymore. It’s grief mixed with relief. And it all comes in waves. One minute we are fine and dealing with practical issues, and then the next minute we are swamped with feelings of sadness. I didn’t want to go to bed last night because I knew that once I actually stopped being busy I would probably just cry and cry. And I did. But knowing what she was going through in the last days of her life helps comfort me knowing that she is more alive in heaven right now then we are here down on earth. She is free from her body of death and has gone into eternal light.
And I’m happy to report that the kids are doing good. One of the doctor’s from the PACT team told us that children grieve in puddles and adults grieve in rivers. And I liked that and it’s proving to be true. The kids hop in and out of their sadness, sad one minute and happy the next, which really isn’t unlike Jason and I, I just think we feel it deeper.
But oh I miss my baby! What I wouldn’t give to have her back wtih us! But in my heart I know that she had to go. The doctors and nurses were very honest with me which we appreciated so much, and I’m so glad we could let Ava go before her suffering got worse.
And we just wanted to thank everyone again for all the kindness showed to us. For Jason’s parents who came down to see Ava before she died, for my parents who came and supported us and cared for our kids during her death. For the nurses and doctors and staff from our ward 4D at Sick Kids who showed us so much kindness and compassion… they really do feel like my family now. We want to thank our church family for praying and supporting us, for my friend’s who cleaned my house this week, for friends who brought food and flowers to welcome us home. And for all you readers who have left us comments just letting us know that you are here for us.
Tomorrow I will give you some info about the funeral, but I have to go now because I am too tired to think. But happy (mostly) to be at home, even if it’s without our Birdy.