Life goes on…

LIfe goes on, and I think that is one of the hardest things I’m having to come to grips with 11 days after we’ve lost Ava.    My whole life has changed, not only in the fact that my baby is gone, but even to the fact that where we live has changed, our family dynamics have changed, what life looks like going forward has changed.   So it’s strange that even with all that change, day-to-day life still goes on like nothing has changed.  You still have to eat, you still sleep, you still interact with everyone.   We went to church yesterday and got together with friends, and even those were normal things, I think they almost hurt me more,  as part of me thinks life shouldn’t be back to normal so soon.  I’m not sure that makes sense.

Grief is an interesting thing.   I may have thought that I would spend my time crying and missing Ava, but most of the time I just go on with this ache inside my heart.  I was thinking today that this ache is like a little grey cloud.   Sometimes the sun shines through and the ache isn’t so bad, and sometime the clouds gather and it actually gets stormy enough that I cry,  but that doesn’t happen very often.    I sometimes wish that I could cry more.  Maybe because crying  is an opportunity to feel real grief,  because the ache I carry around more often than not just makes me feel a bit numb.     

But I know that grieving is important.  One of my favourite parenting books describes grief this way, “Grief is the emotional tool God placed in our hearts to enable us to release things we value.”  (Parenting is Heart Work, Turanksy and Miller).   Isn’t that good?    And it’s hard to let go, but I don’t think there is any rush for us to get through this grieving process.    It’s actually very interesting hear the kids talk about Ava.   We’ve stopped by the cemetery to visit’s Ava’s grave twice already since the funeral and Sophia who is 4 is quite confused about where Ava is…  tonight she said that she thought Heaven was in the ground.   And even though we’ve been trying to explain that Ava’s spirit has left her body, she can’t understand the concept, and is now just worried about dying and she doesn’t want to go to heaven, which now that I understand what she is thinking is really not all that surprising. 🙂

Our boys were sad tonight because Ava had never been to the cottage and I’m a little worried about Sarah because she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it anymore.   I hope that her heart stays soft and she can still talk about Ava and what she misses.  Jay and I will definitely be praying for her.

So we keep moving forward day by day.  I’m so incredibly blessed to have the family that I do have, for an incredible husband who is so patient with me and is filling in all the gaps as I keep dropping the ball.  And for my kids, who have been so gracious through the whole Ava journey, but now are just happy to have me back.

So life goes on.  And it’s hard, but it’s OK.  And praise God that as life goes on,  He won’t make us walk alone, but will be comforting us and guiding us each and every day.

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6 thoughts on “Life goes on…

  1. God brought you to mind today which I was listening to WNFA. ‘He Is with You’ was playing and I was reminded how true the lyrics are:

    “He is with you when your baby’s gone
    And your house is still, and you heart’s a stone
    Cryin’ “God, what’d You do that for?
    He is with you…

    And He is with you in the ICU
    When the doctors don’t know that to do
    And it scares you to the core
    He is with you

    We may weep for a time
    But joy will come in the morning
    The morning light”

    Joy is coming. Just wanted to encourage you to keep holding tight and taking one day at a time, one moment at a time. God is with you!!! Praying for your family.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart on your blog. I have been very touched by the journey with Ava that you have chronicled. I find myself calling Ava and “Agent of God.” She was here for such a brief time and yet her impact was so vast and deep.
    Can I write a little about grief? Right now, you can’t see it, but the tears are flowing freely for me. Grief is so difficult. Our world moves so quickly that it doesn’t really allow for us to stop and process and grieve. I know during my own seasons of grief I have been awe struck as to how life goes on. It feels almost like an out of body experience – life is passing by and I don’t really feel part of it. The colours of life – the richness and sweetness – seem to have faded to black and white. The heaviness within my heart is almost palpable and seems like it will never be consoled. The ache and numbness seem almost cruel as they haunt my soul. I can’t seem to release the grief, it stifles me. I want to cry, but the tears don’t come. I am numb, yet the world continues to move on. I want to scream and shout about my loss and pain, but alas I am almost too tired and too numb. How could life a few moments ago have been so different and yet now is so familiar? It IS confusing. And it doesn’t seem to make sense. BUT God is there through it all. As cliché as that sounds, it is so true.

  3. one of the hardest things is that life everywhere else just seems to go on and yet yours has had a huge stop in it!!! Seems like people forget or have moved past and a part of you wants to remain a little in the past!! It really does not get easier it just gets there!!! The small events seem so big and the big seem overwhelming!!! Know that you are surrounded by those who love you and love Ava and her memory will live on through so many that she has touched! And just when you think Sarah is past it all something will trigger her back. Kids are so different in their grieving really we all are! Unfortunately day by day and one breath at a time!!!!
    And remember every tear that falls is normal and healthy for all of you!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Oh Lisa, the Lord continues to work in wonderful ways in your life. I am so amazed at your strength, and your honesty, and your testiomony as you continue to journey in God’s grace. Thank you for giving yourself the permission to feel what you need to feel and to respond to your grief in the faithful way you do. God has touched your lives and is refining you for plans greater than anything we could imagine. You and your family are always, always in our prayers. Thank you for being such a good friend.
    Love always.

  5. Have a peaceful time at the cottage. You will feel her in the air you breathe, the breeze against your shoulder, and the sun on your face, lifting that grey cloud, even if for a slight second.

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