LIfe goes on, and I think that is one of the hardest things I’m having to come to grips with 11 days after we’ve lost Ava. My whole life has changed, not only in the fact that my baby is gone, but even to the fact that where we live has changed, our family dynamics have changed, what life looks like going forward has changed. So it’s strange that even with all that change, day-to-day life still goes on like nothing has changed. You still have to eat, you still sleep, you still interact with everyone. We went to church yesterday and got together with friends, and even those were normal things, I think they almost hurt me more, as part of me thinks life shouldn’t be back to normal so soon. I’m not sure that makes sense.
Grief is an interesting thing. I may have thought that I would spend my time crying and missing Ava, but most of the time I just go on with this ache inside my heart. I was thinking today that this ache is like a little grey cloud. Sometimes the sun shines through and the ache isn’t so bad, and sometime the clouds gather and it actually gets stormy enough that I cry, but that doesn’t happen very often. I sometimes wish that I could cry more. Maybe because crying is an opportunity to feel real grief, because the ache I carry around more often than not just makes me feel a bit numb.
But I know that grieving is important. One of my favourite parenting books describes grief this way, “Grief is the emotional tool God placed in our hearts to enable us to release things we value.” (Parenting is Heart Work, Turanksy and Miller). Isn’t that good? And it’s hard to let go, but I don’t think there is any rush for us to get through this grieving process. It’s actually very interesting hear the kids talk about Ava. We’ve stopped by the cemetery to visit’s Ava’s grave twice already since the funeral and Sophia who is 4 is quite confused about where Ava is… tonight she said that she thought Heaven was in the ground. And even though we’ve been trying to explain that Ava’s spirit has left her body, she can’t understand the concept, and is now just worried about dying and she doesn’t want to go to heaven, which now that I understand what she is thinking is really not all that surprising. 🙂
Our boys were sad tonight because Ava had never been to the cottage and I’m a little worried about Sarah because she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it anymore. I hope that her heart stays soft and she can still talk about Ava and what she misses. Jay and I will definitely be praying for her.
So we keep moving forward day by day. I’m so incredibly blessed to have the family that I do have, for an incredible husband who is so patient with me and is filling in all the gaps as I keep dropping the ball. And for my kids, who have been so gracious through the whole Ava journey, but now are just happy to have me back.
So life goes on. And it’s hard, but it’s OK. And praise God that as life goes on, He won’t make us walk alone, but will be comforting us and guiding us each and every day.