the Silver Lining…

Well we have been at the cottage for four days and now and it’s so very peaceful here.   Being here is definitely the silver lining that coats that little gray cloud in my heart.   And I think the best thing about being at the cottage is that life doesn’t really move on when you are here… well it does in the way that every day is a new day.  But the cottage looks the same to me as it did 17 years ago and times seems to move so slowly here.  This is just what our family needs… space and peace to just process what happened and time to be together and comfort each other.

Although last year when we were here is when we received Ava’s initial diagnosis (we had driven back to London) and my memory is playing tricks on me.  I still seem to recall the pain that we felt last year, and sometimes I feel like I must still be pregnant and waiting for Ava….  but it’s only for a nanosecond before I know that Ava’s already come and already gone.   But being here and spending time with family and with God is helping to ease the hurt.   And if I hadn’t forgotten my camera cord I could show you a picture of what we see everyday, but I did forget it, so I borrowed a pic from last year….

beach

When I do find my camera cord, I will show the picture of me that Sophia drew in the sand… what a laugh, that little turkey.   Today Sophia and I were walking and I said, “Sophia, guess what?”  And she replied, “Oh mom, I hope you’re not going to say you love me again.”   Apparently I’ve been telling her I love her too much, and so this four-year-old daughter of mine asked me yesterday if I could limit myself to just telling her that I love her once a day.   I’ll repeat, she’s a turkey.   But that is another part of the silver lining… our children.     I was so focused on Ava for so long that I didn’t realize how much I missed my other kids.   This time has been so wonderful connecting with them and getting to know them again.  God is good.

It’s funny being here in another way though because  I remember a few weeks ago sitting outside in the court-yard of the Ronald MacDonald House and shutting my eyes and trying to pretend I was at the cottage.     But now that I am at the cottage,  sometimes I find myself wishing that I was back in Toronto with my sweet baby.  I still really miss Ava and I can’t believe she’s been gone two weeks already.  It seems like it was just yesterday.

But I’m keeping in touch with my friends back in TO.   My friend Tanya and I talk almost daily (Aleeda’s mom) and once in a while in the evening when I’m blue, I call up to Ava’s ward at Sick Kids and chat with the nurses.   I miss them as well and I’m glad they don’t mind talking to me because it’s my 4D therapy…haha.     Tanya and I became really close back in our days at Sick Kids as we were living the same life as mom’s waiting for hearts for our sick babies, and even back then we talked about how our friendship was going to be the link back to that life if anything should happen to our girls.   it’s hard to have a life you’ve been living – even if it’s not the most ideal life – just ripped out of your hands and thrown away.  All the relationships and friendships that were made in Toronto and our lives there are now over.

But we have plans to go back and visit soon and I am looking forward to seeing Tanya and Aleeda again.    Aleeda is coming up on 4 weeks tomorrow since she received her heart.   And she is out of critical care and back up on 4D now, but is still struggling.    Because she was so sick when she received her heart, her progress is slow, but it’s steady.  But please keep her in your prayers as they try to get all the kinks worked out.   Tanya is being amazing as always looking after Aleeda, as well as Aleeda’s new baby sister Britton.  But I know it’s not easy and I know that every day they have to stay at the hospital, is another day they aren’t all together as a family.    I just pray that Aleeda and Tanya’s and their family’s life can start again soon on the outside as they have been there so long.

I apologize if I’ve rambled tonight.   But even though it’s only been two weeks since we lost Ava, this little silver lining is bringing back some joy into my life.  And praise God once again for being able to bring joy – even in the midst of pain.

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5 thoughts on “the Silver Lining…

  1. Thinking of and praying for you often. Glad to know you have had some wonderful, quality time with your family, some much needed rest and just time ‘away’.
    Bless you guys!

    Love that little story about Sophia! 🙂

  2. thinking about you tonight, can’t wait until you get home, but I am glad you are having this time away from all the new normal. Praying for many more peaceful days this week reconnecting with the littles.

  3. It’s these little silver linings or memories that keep us moving forward. It is just a month since we lost Roger and we have our moments, but we are getting through it together. We too were just at a family cottage and it was just last year we were up there with Roger, it was hard at times, but we need to keep moving forward, Roger would want that. Thanks for you posts Lisa, they help so much. Sherry Lynn

  4. Lisa, your comments are so inspirational, once you are ready I suggest that you write a devotional. It could be geared to people who are hurting just as you are, but I think everyone would benefit from reading it. Think about it, it would be amazing. Or just take your blogs as they are and publish them into a book. There is something Divine in your writing, seriously. May I share something with you again? This time it is something that a friend received about a year after her son was killed. It helped her understand about her own grieving and also about other people, those who didn’t know how to help, and didn’t know how to react, or didn’t know what to say.  I have a feeling though that you have great friends who are supporting you in the ways that you need most.  I wish you continued Peace, His Peace. Take care, Caroline It’s called the After Loss Credo and is by Barbara Hills LesStrang … The After Loss Credo   I need to talk about my loss. I may often need to tell you what happened­ Or to ask you why it happened. Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself Face the reality of the death of my loved one. I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me. (And I need to be with you.) I need to know you believe in me and in my Ability to get through my grief in my own way. (And in my own time) Please don’t judge me now- ­Or think that I’m behaving strangely. Remember I’m grieving. I may even be in shock. I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I’m experiencing a pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before. Don’t worry if you think I’m getting better And then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don’t tell me you ‘know how I feel’, Or that it’s time for me to get on with my life. (I am probably already saying this to myself) What I need now is time to grieve and to recover. Most of all, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me. And remember, in the days or years ahead, After your loss – when you need me As I have needed you – I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.   Barbara Hills LesStrang     If your day is hemmed in with prayer, it is less likely to come unraveled.

    >________________________________ >From: 6 and a Half Hearts >To: blackdiamond@rogers.com >Sent: Friday, August 30, 2013 12:02:10 AM >Subject: [New post] the Silver Lining… > >6andahalfhearts posted: “Well we have been at the cottage for four days and now and it’s so very peaceful here.   Being here is definitely the silver lining that coats that little gray cloud in my heart.   And I think the best thing about being at the cottage is that life doesn’t” >

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