Ava’s been gone one week already. We’ve been 7 whole long days without her, and I think it’s taken this long for my heart to really start understanding that Ava is really and truly gone. She’s not just up on 4D being looked after by the nurses she loved, she’s in heaven, totally whole and at peace….. but a place where I can never hold her or snuggle her again. My mother’s heart is sore and hurting.
But to be very honest, Jason and I are experiencing such a wide range of emotions these days that half the time we don’t know how we are feeling. We are feeling sorrow as we miss our daughter, but on the other hand we are feeling relief that she is no longer suffering and that she is at peace. We are feeling some happiness at being home again but then guilt for feeling any kind of happiness at all. It’s kinda confusing and I’m sure there is no ‘right’ feeling, but it’s not making anything easier!!!
And it’s also hard to come home where everything feels the same, but we feel so changed… it’s like we wish everything here was different too.
My friend Christa recently re-blogged something I had blogged last year – and when I read it, it hit me quite hard. By the way… did you know that Ava died 1 year and 1 day after her first echocardiogram and initial diagnosis? It’s crazy… but here is what I wrote after a procedure they did on Ava in utero to try to open up her blocked artery last year didn’t work…
And this is where faith kicks in. Faith in God when things just don’t seem to be right, in fact in human terms they seem to be going wrong. Sure it’s easy to rejoice and trust in Him when things look promising and we are hopeful things will turn out the way we want them too, but how about when faced with the possibility that things might turn out exact opposite of what we want? What if this baby still will lose the left side of her heart and have to have a palliation of her heart done where they turn the right side of her heart into a duo-purpose pumping machine and I have to spend weeks with her in the hospital, perhaps months away from my other kids and miss Christmas and New Years? Honestly that thought breaks my heart.
However, again, even though I’m sad, I still I have hope. I know God can still heal her, and even if that takes surgery and months of healing, I’m still completely trusting Him. I’m not broken, maybe somewhat bruised, but definitely not abandoned. And the Bible is full of verses to comfort me, starting with being still and just knowing that God is God. I think John Piper once said that the things God does may be confusing, but God himself is Not confusing, I love it because it’s true.
And as Jason pointed out to me, maybe His whole plan here is not to heal her, it may be to do some greater work which we can’t see, which would be amazing as well. God doesn’t give us all the answers, nor does He let us see the whole picture, but He does offer peace and hope and strength.
Isn’t that crazy? Even back then God seemed to be preparing us that Ava’s life was all about God’s greater purpose than us just having a healthy normal child to raise. And we can definitly say that He gave us more peace and hope and strength than I ever thought would be possible.
And so what I wrote last year still applies to me today… I still have to trust that God’s perfect plan was accomplished when He took our beautiful baby home to Him.
One week ago today.