Lately I’ve been feeling kinda unsettled. I think because on one hand I’m happy to be home and looking forward to preparing for Christmas with Jason and the kids. But on the other side, I’m very aware of where we were last year and how we were still waiting for Birdy with the uncertainty of what was going to be ahead. And I do feel like I want to reconnect with where I was, maybe just to make sense of it all? So I decided to go back and read my blog from last year. And I found this post that I wrote a year ago today… and I ended up encouraging myself… isn’t God good? What I read was such evidence to me of the grace of God that was holding our hearts then, and is still holding us know. And the best part… a year later I can say that every single word is true. Having Ava, losing Ava was such an incredible and rewarding thing that we will forever praise God for bringing her into our lives and for the work He did in our lives through the whole process.
So I decided to repost what I wrote, so here it is. It was entitled “Ruin my Life“….
Oh these crazy followers of Jesus Christ, and the crazy songs that they choose to sing!
Why would anyone sing a song asking God to ruin their life? Talk about very scary stuff. And to be honest when we first started singing this song at church I was a little bothered, thinking that I’m not singing that, I like my life just how I like it, thank-you!
But then we got pregnant with number 5 – that huge surprise. And we sang the song again at church on that first Sunday after and I cried. NOT that I was thinking that God was in the process of ruining my life per-see… but that His plans were clearly not my plans.. here’s what we sang…
Woe to me I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see you seated on Your throne
Exalted, Your Glory surrounds You
And the plans that I have made, fail to compare, when I see your glory…
Ruin my life – the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
‘Till its You alone I live for,
You alone I live for.
Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty
Holy is the Lord!
Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty
Holy is the Lord! ( Jeff Johnson)
And so it’s kinda become Jason and my theme song through this whole pregnancy situation if you will. We do now feel in a way like life as we know it has been ruined, I know whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is, we will have been changed forever. But the amazing part it, we will have been changed for the better.
God is taking hold of our lives. And even though I cling and I fight and I cry and occasionally think about how my life would look if none of this happened, I can see that striping all the external stuff away, letting go of all my plans of how I thought things would turn out, and just focusing on God and doing my best to be obedient and having faith in Him is so incredibly beautiful and rewarding.
There is an amazing sense of peace that God has given me as my time gets closer (thanks for praying everyone!) and I know that any strength I have has come from him. And we can know for certain that this is His plan and His alone because He has taken such incredible care of us through the past months, which brings me so much joy because I can know that I don’t have to worry about one minute of one day going forward, He is going before us and will take care of us.
And in this world where the biggest thing seems to be control…where we feel like we always need to be in control… just know it’s all a sham. We have so little control. But don’t despair, when God starts to move and plans and lives start to be ruined, it doesn’t have to be negative, just cling to Him and move with him and it can truly be the best thing that ever happened to you.