Where I was…

Lately I’ve been feeling kinda unsettled.  I think because on one hand I’m happy to be home and looking forward to preparing for Christmas with Jason and the kids.  But on the other side, I’m very aware of where we were last year and how we were still waiting for Birdy with the uncertainty of what was going to be ahead.   And I do feel like I want to reconnect with where I was, maybe just to make sense of it all?    So I decided to go back and read my blog from last year.  And I found this post that I wrote a year ago today… and I ended up encouraging myself… isn’t God good?   What I read was such evidence to me of the grace of God that was holding our hearts then, and is still holding us know.  And the best part… a year later I can say that every single word is true.   Having Ava, losing Ava was such an incredible and rewarding thing that we will forever praise God for bringing her into our lives and for the work He did in our lives through the whole process.

So I decided to repost what I wrote, so here it is.   It was entitled “Ruin my Life“….

Oh these crazy followers of Jesus Christ, and the crazy songs that they choose to sing!

Why would anyone sing a song asking God to ruin their life?  Talk about very scary stuff.    And to be honest when we first started singing this song at church I was a little bothered, thinking that I’m not singing that,  I like my life just how I like it, thank-you!

But then we got pregnant with number 5 – that huge surprise.  And we sang the song again at church on that first Sunday after and I cried.  NOT that I was thinking that God was in the process of ruining my life per-see… but that His plans were clearly not my plans.. here’s what we sang…

Woe to me I am unclean
A sinner found in Your presence
I see you seated on Your throne
Exalted, Your Glory surrounds You

And the plans that I have made, fail to compare, when I see your glory…

Ruin my life  – the plans I have made
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain
Destroy the idols that have taken Your place
‘Till its You alone I live for, 
You alone I live for.

Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty 
Holy is the Lord! 

Holy Holy is the Lord Almighty 
Holy is the Lord!   ( Jeff Johnson)

And so it’s kinda become Jason and my theme song through this whole pregnancy situation if you will.    We do now feel in a way like life as we know it has been ruined, I know whatever the outcome of this pregnancy is, we will have been changed forever.   But the amazing part it, we will have been changed for the better.

God is taking hold of our lives.   And even though I cling and I fight and I cry and occasionally think about how my life would look if none of this happened,  I can see that striping all the external stuff away, letting go of all my plans of how I thought things would turn out,  and just focusing on God and doing my best to be obedient and having faith in Him is so incredibly beautiful and rewarding.

There is an amazing sense of peace that God has given me as my time gets closer (thanks for praying everyone!) and I know that any strength I have has come from him.     And we can know for certain that this is His plan and His alone because He has taken such incredible care of us through the past months,  which brings me so much joy because I can know that I don’t have to worry about one minute of one day going forward, He is going before us and will take care of us.

And in this world where the biggest thing seems to be control…where we feel like we always need to be in control…  just know it’s all a sham.  We have so little control.    But don’t despair,   when God starts to move and plans and lives start to be ruined,  it doesn’t have to be negative, just cling to Him and move with him and it can truly be the best thing that ever happened to you.


Not the first day of school

Ha!  Today’s post should have been all about the kid’s  first day of school – but we are still at the cottage and so obviously there was no first day of school today… lucky us.    But this was planned and the school knows and I’m hoping that it will be an easy adjustment for the kids to start school next week instead although I’m sure it’s not the best thing in the world.    But Jason and I are just not ready to go back to real life quite yet, and I don’t think the kids are either.

We are all doing well on the whole,  and still enjoying our time here at the cottage, but we still have our times of sadness.  Last night Sarah wanted to watch Ava’s slide show again that I made for the funeral, and it ended up with Sarah and I crying our eyes out.   And then William joined in crying with us at bedtime… poor guy.   I’ve noticed that William isn’t quite himself these days and I think he might be a little bit depressed, and it’s not just Ava being gone.  I’m sure for him it’s all the changes that have happened to our family.  We moved home from Toronto,  but then we were just home for a week before we left to come to the cottage and we’ve been here since.    We haven’t been settled in one place for a long period of time and William is a child who needs routine.  We all need routine and I know it will be good when we finally get there.  It will even be good for this guy even though he’s already started with his typical dread of going back to school combined with his love of buying new school supplies.


Thankfully our litte Sophia seems to be taking everything in stride including starting school next week.   Here she is with that picture of me that she drew in the sand I promised earlier…


I love it when the kids draw pictures of me,  it makes me laugh.     And she was busy drawing Ava in the sand there as well… I don’t think Ava is ever far from her thoughts.

Sophia wrote (ahem… scribbled) in a book a few thoughts about Ava the other day, and when she read them back to me she said she wrote…  “Dear Ava, I know that you are dead, and I know that it’s sad.  But we can still have fun without you and we can play with our cousins, like katie and Tyler.”   Very truthful and practical of her really.

And talking of practical, next week will bring school, routine and back to ‘normal’ life for our family.  But what I’m worried about is where does that leave me?

It leaves me with four kids in school and no baby to care for.  And not only will there be no baby to care for, but up until August 15th, I was committed to caring for a baby who had a lot of needs and who would probably some sort of care for a very long time or perhaps even her entire life.  There would have been the heart transplant issues, but we would have had to deal with issues that would have come from Ava’s Tuner’s Syndrome as well.   We would have spent our days going to Dr’s appointments and therapy appointments, and it would have been busy and hard, but there would have been purpose it in all for me.

Now I’m left with a space in my life where all that was supposed to be and it’s got me worried.   I know that everyone says that my life will fill up quick and I won’t have time on my hands, but I think it will be hard to go back to ordinary things after being involved in something so important.

And then, as always it seems, God brings me back to His promises in my times of doubt.    I was reading back to last September when we knew for certain that Ava would be born with only half a working heart and I was worried about the future then too and I included this verse in one of my posts…,

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.  Deuteronomy 31:8

And then today’s verse from BibleGateway,com was

Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17 ESV

Even though I’m worried about my life going forward, God isn’t worried.  He’s probably shaking His head at me right now and wondering why this girl who He has been so faithful to for so long is even thinking about doubting Him once again.

My job once again is to trust and pray and co-operate with whatever it is God has planned and not be afraid or dismayed by what is coming next.   Surely if God was able to carry us through  the past 8 months (which He did splendidly) I can trust Him once again going forward from here.

But please don’t stop praying for us as we adjust and move forward…. we still appreciate all your prayers and kind words!